Music moves me. It motivates me. It changes me. My life would not be best summarized by a script of words but a symphony of notes. I go through phases where I go back in time with music. Sometimes I simply take a step back to a few years before. Other times I find myself being reminded of what it was like a decade ago. Recently, the decade ago trip has been constant. And just to show I am not ‘that’ old I should give you a heads up that about a decade ago I was soon to graduate high school. The songs that have played the last couple weeks have varied but all have brought back the emotions of my fears. They also brought to mind some stark contrasts of my life back then and where I am now. I soon realized how much I had changed and (sadly) how little I had changed.
As a senior here was my list (or a portion) that I would think about:
* Would I have enough money to buy that cute shirt at the store and still do coffee with Lea or Liv
* Would I ever really truly be loved.
* After two boyfriends that ended harshly and crossed too many lines…would I be alone for the rest of my life? Was I damaged goods for someone else?
* Would my friends still be there for me when I made the choice to go a different direction than them?
* How long could I keep a charade of my relationship with Christ?
* How long could I survive a schedule that kept me at home only for a few hours of sleep each night?
* Would I survive the loneliness that would creep into my heart when I stopped?
As I typed that list I simply laughed. How things have changed. I learned that I was lovable…by a man that was far better for and to me than I could have imagined. A handful of friends stayed, many left. It was painful to lose people that felt like flesh and blood to me. I seriously doubted I would ever trust any friend again. My relationship with Christ was never really hidden…I think my friends knew. Yet the months that followed became the most defining in my faith as I became sure of who I was in Christ. My schedule was killing me…and I knew it. Working, teaching dance, taking dance classes, leading youth home studies, church and friends were adding up. Even with the best of intentions I was functioning in my own strengths. I had missed the idea of operating in my strengths through Christ and I was paying the price. Laying down some of my commitments felt like a part of my was being torn open. I soon had downtime…which meant I had to process things. It was in those down times that God really worked in me.
I would like to tell you that I worry about nothing and that fear never really creeps in my life. And for the most part I have to tell you it is true. Fear and concerns do not rule my life…for which I am grateful. In pride I simply thought that it must mean I just have it all together. Instead, I think it is because I have simply become numb (or done with it!) to feeling. If you don’t feel, there is no room for hurt. There is no room for betrayal. There is no room for brokenness. And yet, I find that in the moments that I am willing to go out and try to feel something is when I feel the most amazed. Sometimes it means that I am hurt but sometimes it means I have found something (or someone) that I can not imagine being out of my life.
Are you different from year ago? How?