I am a pretty cut and dry person. Sometimes it is an asset like when I am fed up with service and need to cancel a subscription. Other times it can be the death of me. The phrase ‘I’m done’ is often spoken in my house because I just get to a point of disconnect and then I break it off. I have always been like this…with things and people. Once I feel wronged or betrayed I basically pull back and do not engage in conversation. It is probably the character trait I detest the most about myself.
Lately I have been trying to allow grace and forgiveness to surface in my heart rather than allowed hurt and hatred to take over. It is a battle and some days the fight seems endless. A couple weeks ago this battle took place again and it was completely unexpected.
The picture above is of my purse…which finally had enough tugging from little boys, diapers jammed in when I forgot my diaper bag and fashionable coordination! We are not too concerned with material things here (or at least we are trying not to be!) so it should be a simple item to simply toss away. At first I was upset because, as I rationalized in my mind, it was my only brown purse. How selfish! However, is the case most of the time, there is something much deeper than the actual item that causes me to pause.
This purse was given to me Isaiah’s first Christmas…almost 6 years ago now. It was given with love and I can still remember her reason was because she figured a new mom would need something that was fashionable but that I would not spend the money on myself now that I had Isaiah. I have used this purse so often since that Christmas. I don’t talk to that person or even see her anymore. There has been a lot of heartache around the loss of her in our lives. There has been a lot of bitterness and resentment and hurt. There have been more tears shed than I will ever care to express. I have spoken words laced with hate and I have cried tears tinged with betrayal. I have also sobbed tears full of emptiness.
Sometimes voids can not be filled or replaced. For some reason I was never able (and am still unable) to completely cut this person from my mind…regardless of the ease my heart might feel. I simply placed on a lid on that void and hoped to never have to take it off again…I would just build upon it. When that purse broke the lid was ripped off my void and I felt anew the loss and hurt. It brought back every hurtful word and every tear cried. I was angry at myself at first…I mean how could I allow myself to reprocess all of this again.
What is the one area I have kept God from in my heart? If you thought the void of this person you would be right. Somehow I thought that if I kept Him from searching that portion that I would be ok…and I am not…I am far from it. It has been something amazing to allow God to come and search my heart. I am learning to trust him with the moments I feel ‘I’m done’ rather than fall on my own strengths. I am feeling his peace in the moments of tears. I am sensing his healing as I learn to close the void.
What or Who do you need to let go of?