Full of Boys

Finding the adventure in the blues, greens and grays of life!

Letting Go November 20, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — fullofboys @ 7:04 am

I am a pretty cut and dry person. Sometimes it is an asset like when I am fed up with service and need to cancel a subscription. Other times it can be the death of me. The phrase ‘I’m done’ is often spoken in my house because I just get to a point of disconnect and then I break it off. I have always been like this…with things and people. Once I feel wronged or betrayed I basically pull back and do not engage in conversation. It is probably the character trait I detest the most about myself.

Lately I have been trying to allow grace and forgiveness to surface in my heart rather than allowed hurt and hatred to take over. It is a battle and some days the fight seems endless. A couple weeks ago this battle took place again and it was completely unexpected.

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The picture above is of my purse…which finally had enough tugging from little boys, diapers jammed in when I forgot my diaper bag and fashionable coordination! We are not too concerned with material things here (or at least we are trying not to be!) so it should be a simple item to simply toss away. At first I was upset because, as I rationalized in my mind, it was my only brown purse. How selfish! However, is the case most of the time, there is something much deeper than the actual item that causes me to pause.

This purse was given to me Isaiah’s first Christmas…almost 6 years ago now. It was given with love and I can still remember her reason was because she figured a new mom would need something that was fashionable but that I would not spend the money on myself now that I had Isaiah. I have used this purse so often since that Christmas. I don’t talk to that person or even see her anymore. There has been a lot of heartache around the loss of her in our lives. There has been a lot of bitterness and resentment and hurt. There have been more tears shed than I will ever care to express. I have spoken words laced with hate and I have cried tears tinged with betrayal. I have also sobbed tears full of emptiness.

Sometimes voids can not be filled or replaced. For some reason I was never able (and am still unable) to completely cut this person from my mind…regardless of the ease my heart might feel. I simply placed on a lid on that void and hoped to never have to take it off again…I would just build upon it. When that purse broke the lid was ripped off my void and I felt anew the loss and hurt. It brought back every hurtful word and every tear cried. I was angry at myself at first…I mean how could I allow myself to reprocess all of this again.

What is the one area I have kept God from in my heart? If you thought the void of this person you would be right. Somehow I thought that if I kept Him from searching that portion that I would be ok…and I am not…I am far from it. It has been something amazing to allow God to come and search my heart. I am learning to trust him with the moments I feel ‘I’m done’ rather than fall on my own strengths. I am feeling his peace in the moments of tears. I am sensing his healing as I learn to close the void.

What or Who do you need to let go of?

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8 Responses to “Letting Go”

  1. Liberty Says:

    I just told my boys last night for the first time that I was done. They asked me what that means and I had to refrain from saying, “done being a mother”. Instead I said, “I’m just tired.”. I pray that God will heal that part of your heart that your ex-friend is in. Sometimes God has to prune relationships from our lives even if it doesn’t make sense at the time, but then other ones grow bigger and stronger. God bless you!

  2. Ladybird Says:

    I have had the same struggle with a friendship. I have shed my tears and had many sleepless nights. After years, I was finally “done” too. The birth of my son has reopened this hurt and I am trying to do as He would want me to…..forgive. The lines of communication are open again and I am trying to work though my feelings……but forgiveness is one of the hardest things I struggle with. I keep struggling with why God wants this person in my life…….and I just have to learn to trust him. My prayers are going your way……..I know how it feels to be “undone” too.

  3. Crys Says:

    I often say “I’m Done” a lot. usually though I”ll follow it up with whatever is going on. “I’m Done with this whining right now” or “I’m done with this situation right now.” I hope that you are able to find peace and are able to let go. I have an ex-friend that I need to let go of…and I sort of have let go of her but for reasons of not creating drama I’ve kept her on my Facebook/Myspace friends list. It’s annoying really.

  4. Ladybird Says:

    I have had the same struggle with a friendship. I have shed my tears and had many sleepless nights. After years, I was finally “done” too. The birth of my son has reopened this hurt and I am trying to do as He would want me to…..forgive. The lines of communication are open again and I am trying to work though my feelings……but forgiveness is one of the hardest things I struggle with. I keep struggling with why God wants this person in my life…….and I just have to learn to trust him. My prayers are going your way……..I know how it feels to be “undone” too.

  5. I’ll lift you up in prayer asking God to grant you comfort and a peace about this situation.

    Truth be told, I’ve been known to “wash my hands” of a situation or two. Sometime, It takes me way too long to process a hurt feeling or painful situation.

    Thanks for sharing your heart.

  6. Alan Says:

    Done? Pfft. There is one relationship in my life that has been a struggle since my birth. No matter how many times I let go, God forces someone’s hand and reopens the relationship and the hurt.

    Considering there are now 3 generations involved in this strange relationship, well, it’s very “iffy”. Where do you draw the line here? Is it okay for someone to continue to walk away and want to pretend family matters once a year?

    We all have pain and we all have junk and we all want it gone. But tell me this: What do you do when you have given this to God more times than you can count and He continues to give it back?

    • fullofboys Says:

      I can’t agree more…I struggle with knowing when it is ok to just give up and when it is time to persevere. Sometimes it is just not black and white is it? When I add the boys into this relationship (especially Isaiah) then I begin to question how I handle it. I suppose when it is time to confront Isaiah with it, I hope I can say honestly that I gave my all and gave it to God…repeatedly!

  7. Laurie Says:

    I miss your blog. Have you been a very busy elf? Can we have lunch of just coffee soon? I’d love to catch up.


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