I wrote part one of my thoughts about our sermon from this last Sunday’s message yesterday. There was so much to digest on Sunday morning and I am still thinking and pondering it. Since this is my blog I will be posting another tidbit that has wrecked my heart more than yesterday’s comment. And by wrecked I mean, this might just be the most honest and revealing post I have done yet. I know, it almost doesn’t seem possible. Somewhere during the message, Pete asked “What characterizes your life?” I say somewhere in the message because honestly after he asked that, I missed most of the message (sorry, Pete). Thankfully I have the CD now to listen to it again.
So what characterized my life? The first thought that came to mind immediately was ‘chaos’. Chaos – surely we can all think that during some seasons of life. As soon as I thought that, Pete asked if joy, peace, patieince, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self control, etc., could be used to describe our lives. I honestly had to hold back the tears at that point because the answer felt like a resounding “NO!”. As I shared with my friend Brandi yesterday, I don’t want my children to grow up and think ‘my mom can keep a schedule, she gets us to ball practice and cheers my games but she never prays, she never shows her faith in Christ’.
The truth is that I am terrified of becoming a faux perfect, and sometimes I think I already am there. There are days I snap at my children more than I extend kindness or exhibit self control. Nights when I go to bed drained and frustrated rather than peaceful or full of joy. Mornings in worship where I simply sing words because I struggle with God’s faithfulness. And even now, I want to cry about it. It hurts so deeply in my heart.
In yesterday’s post I included a link to the song ‘Somethings Got to Change’ by Josh Wilson (preformed by Amanda Stott). I have listened to his song several times now and everytime I feel like he has written the words of my heart into this song. There is a line in there that stops me every time.
“The more of us we swallow, the more we become hallow, until we don’t know how to feel”
I confess, I dive into the depths of me more often than I dive into the depths of Christ, and it shows. It shows when I say ‘chaos’ before I say kindness. As I said yesterday, I am terrified to come into a quiet time with Christ. And yet, it is what I need. Knowing what I need, I set aside some time yesterday to be quiet before God. I am not sure I had an expectation on what that looked like or if I simply wanted to mark it off my to do list. Either way, I took time to be quiet. I literally closed my eyes so that I would not be distracted by my sight. My mind raced, thoughts started to fill up the quietness. Until finally, I simply focused on Him. There were no fireworks, no applause. There was peace. I found myself before my savior, my heart hurting as I realize how much I was keeping from Him. The quiet time lasted only a few minutes but I left those moments realizing how much I needed to take that time daily. I needed to dive into Christ and soak Him in, not revel in myself and then flounder through the week.
Be honest and tell me what do you think characterizes your life?