Full of Boys

Finding the adventure in the blues, greens and grays of life!

My confession June 6, 2008

Filed under: Faith,Me — fullofboys @ 6:35 am
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I have a confession. I struggle with being accepted. I actually think most people do, too. I think I struggle because I can not be perfect in every area of my life. I want to be the best wife, mom, friend, daughter, sister, volunteer….oh, the list could go on. But by being ALL of those things, I am unable to perfect just one. And sometimes it really stinks. Like when I go months between talking to friends because life is busy (Olivia) or when I don’t see my dad for more than a month even when he lives a little over an hour away.

The fact is that there are days when I think I can never measure up. I always knew that I felt this way but it has come into light so much more since starting the Dickson Campus (Man, this campus thing has caused me to look so much deeper in my heart!). When I came to Dickson, I was simply me. There were no titles attached, no ‘oh you serve here’ or ‘hey, you’re in mom’s group’. It was a fresh slate. I was excited at first and then I began to feel intimidated. There are some women I know who have known each other for years, years people! My thought was ‘how could I ever fit into that crowd?’.

I thought they were all too perfect, all too in control. They all smiled and nothing seemed wrong. Their kids were angels….mine are all boy, rowdiness and loudness rolled into big hearts and smiles. They had inside jokes and knew events that happened years ago in each other’s lives. I was on the outside. And it hurt. It hurt so bad that I told Heath we were going back to the main campus. I cried so hard as I learned to let go of the main campus and trust God with my heart, my future friendships.

Jeremiah 1:5 says “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations.”

What an encouraging verse to me, and I am sure Jeremiah felt the same way! God has a purpose for me. He has appointed me to bring Glory to Him…whether  it is at the main campus, the Dickson campus, another country or simply my backyard.

God not only created me, He knew me. I believe that when you create something (art, song, food, child) you become a little protective about it, at least I do. I began to rest in that verse anew. I realize that the Creator of the Universe created me, he created my heart, He could handle my fears and my tears. I also learned that in my time of loneliness God began to work in my heart. I began to allow my walls that were miles high to begin to fall, a little. I started to open up to a couple ladies. Somewhere along the first three months of this church, I found something unexpected. I found community, I found friends, I found girls that I can not imagine living without.

There are still days I am terrified to talk to them. There are still days they seem too perfect and I wonder how to measure up to them. I get scared. I still cry at times as I allow God to transform my heart. I have had to move from a person of independence to a huge dependence on the God who created me.  My confession remains, regardless of how much I allow God to work on my heart. I think what I am learning is perfection does not equal impact or community.

Do you struggle with this?


8 Responses to “My confession”

  1. micey Says:

    yes I do… I had an interview for ministry once, and the woman who did the interview told me that the whole issue of acceptance is actually “fear of man”… we are so wrapped up in trying to please others and trying to fit in that it actually makes us withdraw… Last year, I was blessed with the revelation that all those voices in my head that tell me I’m not good enough, that I am unlovable, that I don’t deserve to have friends, are just liars! I bought these lies for 42 years! These lies kept me out of my Father’s arms! I thank God everyday for saving me from myself! I became born again in 2005 and gave my whole life to the Lord then and those voices are slowly, but steadily diminishing. Don’t give up! Persevere and know that the Lord will NEVER leave you or forsake you. He loves you with an everlasting love! Thanks for sharing your heart 🙂

  2. Jennifer Dillingham Says:

    I want this community with others. I somehow feel on the outside at times. I am sure its because my faith is not as strong as those that I am around, and I may not be the best influence on others. I have those friends that have become like siblings to me, but those friendships were formed more than 10yrs ago. Then it was so easy. I was not insecure and I did not care what others thought. I was just me.

    Don’t get me wrong I have meet great people thru church and made friends that I would do anything for, and people that I look up. Those who have such a strong faith and outlook. Although, I have failed at making these friendships into real community. I do remind myself daily that it is not about what I want or need, but that it is about what God has planned for me.

  3. leafless Says:

    Humans are not meant to be perfect, but rather to be willing to seek for perfection. God knows more about us than we know ourselves. It’s the willingness and commitment, and not the final outcome, that count.

  4. love the new header, great layout!

    Yes, I struggle with this a ton. I always feel like people expect so much out of me because I happen to be married to the pastor. And to me, I’m just so plain and simple. It does interfere with relationships and my image of who I really am!

    I always remind myself, I’m God’s and it is my identity in him that really matters. It’s a hard one!

  5. Lori K Says:

    YES, YES, YES!! I would guess that most women either are dealing with this right now or have definitely dealt with this sometime in their life.

    I know that for me, it all started in middle school, you know that “awkward stage” when you don’t feel pretty, or smart or accepted but for no reason at all. I was terrified of the older girls (our middle school was 5th-8th) and tried to fake being sick so I would get to stay home. It seems like yesterday! Knowing that it was all in my head, I’m trying to develop my kids into confident, but not arrogant middle schoolers. Tough job!

    This post really brought back memories and also reminds me that today as someone who is already connected in our church, I have a responsibility to help women get involved and plugged in.

    I love your honesty and know that you are doing a great job in Dickson – hope to visit y’all soon and experience it, too!!

  6. Kelsey Says:

    I struggle too. What an encouraging post to read thank you!

  7. Liv Says:

    Girl, I feel so blessed to have a friend like you in my life. Don’t worry about the business. That’s just part of it:)

  8. Patti Says:

    Yes! Thanks for your honest and openness. It is an incredible gift to all who read it.

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