I have a confession. I struggle with being accepted. I actually think most people do, too. I think I struggle because I can not be perfect in every area of my life. I want to be the best wife, mom, friend, daughter, sister, volunteer….oh, the list could go on. But by being ALL of those things, I am unable to perfect just one. And sometimes it really stinks. Like when I go months between talking to friends because life is busy (Olivia) or when I don’t see my dad for more than a month even when he lives a little over an hour away.
The fact is that there are days when I think I can never measure up. I always knew that I felt this way but it has come into light so much more since starting the Dickson Campus (Man, this campus thing has caused me to look so much deeper in my heart!). When I came to Dickson, I was simply me. There were no titles attached, no ‘oh you serve here’ or ‘hey, you’re in mom’s group’. It was a fresh slate. I was excited at first and then I began to feel intimidated. There are some women I know who have known each other for years, years people! My thought was ‘how could I ever fit into that crowd?’.
I thought they were all too perfect, all too in control. They all smiled and nothing seemed wrong. Their kids were angels….mine are all boy, rowdiness and loudness rolled into big hearts and smiles. They had inside jokes and knew events that happened years ago in each other’s lives. I was on the outside. And it hurt. It hurt so bad that I told Heath we were going back to the main campus. I cried so hard as I learned to let go of the main campus and trust God with my heart, my future friendships.
Jeremiah 1:5 says “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations.”
What an encouraging verse to me, and I am sure Jeremiah felt the same way! God has a purpose for me. He has appointed me to bring Glory to Him…whether it is at the main campus, the Dickson campus, another country or simply my backyard.
God not only created me, He knew me. I believe that when you create something (art, song, food, child) you become a little protective about it, at least I do. I began to rest in that verse anew. I realize that the Creator of the Universe created me, he created my heart, He could handle my fears and my tears. I also learned that in my time of loneliness God began to work in my heart. I began to allow my walls that were miles high to begin to fall, a little. I started to open up to a couple ladies. Somewhere along the first three months of this church, I found something unexpected. I found community, I found friends, I found girls that I can not imagine living without.
There are still days I am terrified to talk to them. There are still days they seem too perfect and I wonder how to measure up to them. I get scared. I still cry at times as I allow God to transform my heart. I have had to move from a person of independence to a huge dependence on the God who created me. My confession remains, regardless of how much I allow God to work on my heart. I think what I am learning is perfection does not equal impact or community.
Do you struggle with this?