Do you ever look in the mirror and find yourself surprised by your reflection? I am not talking the ‘oh my, I put on weight’ or ‘I should really get a hair cut’ kind of thoughts. I mean surprised by where you are in life. Much of the time I float through a day filled with demands, obligations, school pick ups and dirty diapers that I miss the blessings that surround me. I just miss them. I hurry through everything in order to make an impression. What impression am I really leaving? Sometimes I catch a glimpes of me and I wonder “How did I get here”. I expect to wake up sometimes to see that it is all a dream. I married when I was young – long before I ever knew what it was to really be a wife. Truth be told, I am not sure I even knew how to be a good friend then. I often laugh that if my friends could see me now they would stare is disbelief. I didn’t think I would have children, now I have 3. I saw myself on a career path, now I’m a stay at home mom. I saw myself living in a large city somewhere in New York, now I am in the country in Tennessee. I didn’t really see myself as loved completely, wholly, but now I am. I didn’t see God as a huge portion of my life, now He is the foundation of my everything. My reflection has changed. Somewhere over the last 8 years, I found a man that challenged me (and still does) to be a better person first, then helped me tackle being a wife and a mother. God allowed me the opportunity to meet some fantastic friends. Friends that tell me the truth when I am wrong, friends that cry with me when I am fearful, friends that let me call them at any hour of the night when life if falling down around me. Still, I get scared to let other people see me. I am not talking the maicured, hair styled and new clothes me. I mean the Jeckll and Hyde of my heart. I often wonder what reflection do they see from me? The new creation in Christ who puts her family as a priority, loves her husband with every breath she breathes, would lay down her life for her boys in an instant, worships a God who loves her even when she can’t always return that love? Or do they see the girl who is fearful of change, terrified that her friends would vansih in a moment, the girl who wonders how in the world she has been given 3 boys to raise and a man would come into her life and literally take the days and months and years to transform her. The fact is, that girl is still in existence. And I really do battle with those fears. At the end of the day, I want my children to see all those reflections. I never want them to think I am perfect, I want them to know that I mess things up. I want them to know that I love them. I want them to know that I am not a person who occasionally does bad things, I am a sinner who occasionally gets it right. I am a sinner who has been forgiven completely.
Reflections November 6, 2007