Full of Boys

Finding the adventure in the blues, greens and grays of life!

Drowning in Forgetfullness July 24, 2007

Filed under: Deeper Still,Family — fullofboys @ 6:02 am

I admit it. This last year has been really tough for me emotionally. Sweet Silas was born on July 18th via a planned c-section. Having had two other natural births I was very apprehesive about a c-section. However, once he was here, I knew we had made the best decision for him…after all it was not about me. Fast forward a few months and he was diagnosed with a swallowing disorder. Basically, he was swallowing twice in order to get liquid into his stomach. A portion of the liquid would go into his lungs. After countless ear infections, tests and finally video imaging we found the answers to why he was getting sick so often. We thickened his formula. Made sure he never had anything too thin that would ‘leak’ into his lungs. And we prayed, we asked our friends to pray. All seemed well.

This past Friday I could tell something just wasn’t right with him. I took him to the doctor in the afternoon and heard the news that he indeed had aspirated pnemonia. What this meant was that fluid was still getting into his lungs and it had caused pnemonia. While it isn’t contagious, can I tell you I just wanted to cry. Partly because I felt I just didn’t do enough to help prevent it. Another part of me was discouraged. We were told this might ‘heal on it’s own by the time he was a year old’. Obviously it has not. I left the office (antibiotic in hand) and headed home. I made all the calls to family to give them the update and I tried my best to sound positive.

Truth be told, I am weary from this. I am just to ready to get off this cycle. I know that there are so many children that have problems so much more complex than a swallowing disorder but it still rocks my world occasionally. I get angry, I have questions that never seemed to be answered. I try to tell everyone, even myself that God has a purpose. And while I know that in my head, it is so difficult to convince my heart (and emotions) that it is true. I do a fine balance between trusting in logic, medicine and my actions and trusting in a God who formed Silas in His hands and placed in my womb. It shouldn’t be a complicated web of trust but it is. I heard this song by Casting Crowns called East to West on the radio today. I loved these two lines:

‘Here I am Lord, in your sea of forgetfullness, chains of yesterday surround me and I yearn for peace and rest’

It echos my heart, my mind, my heart. We were told that Silas could have been much worse. We were told that he should have had pnemonia as early as birth. We were told…and yet he didn’t. I truly believe God’s hand was on his little body then and I know it is still. And I still forget that. I forget that He made Silas, crafted his spirit, placed every red little hair on his head. I forget that He gives me the peace I need in every situation…not always a peaceful situation. He gives me strength to handle every medical test and the wisdom to understand the results.

This song humbled me and reminded me that God knows more than I can fathom. I encourage you to click below and listen…maybe even close your eyes and listen. May you find mercy and rest in His arms today.

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6 Responses to “Drowning in Forgetfullness”

  1. jodi Says:

    Sorry you are feeling so down about Silas. I totally understand how you feel. Emery is my sickly one. My oldest only went to the dr for checkups, but Emery was at the dr all the time. We even had a scare around Christmas last year when he was tested for Leukemia. Thankfully, it came back negative.

    His dr doesn’t seem concerned about all his “colds” or possibly allergies. I don’t think he’s as healthy as he could/should be. What 2 year old should know how much Benadryl he needs???

    I find myself thinking back to how I gave up nursing him. Would he be healthier if I stuck it out? Score one for mommy guilt! Anyways, I do try to remember God’s plan as well. It’s hard sometimes. But I will say a prayer for you today.

    Hugs!

  2. jodi Says:

    On a happier note…can you believe you had over a hundred comments yesterday??? WOW!

  3. Heather Says:

    i can relate to you too. my oldest son (i have three boys too!) has sensory issues and can be so challenging. i get angry and wonder why me, i get weary, i try to stay positive. i don’t have any advice at all to share- i just wanted to let you know that i understand. i totally get it.

  4. Denise Says:

    I am sorry to hear about your struggles, I will be praying for peace and healing for you and your family!

  5. Jenn Hesse Says:

    Sorry to hear about Silas’s health issues. I will remember to pray for him! Keep us updated on how he’s doing. Thanks for your honest post!

  6. Christy Says:

    I love you babe and am always praying. 🙂


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