I admit it. This last year has been really tough for me emotionally. Sweet Silas was born on July 18th via a planned c-section. Having had two other natural births I was very apprehesive about a c-section. However, once he was here, I knew we had made the best decision for him…after all it was not about me. Fast forward a few months and he was diagnosed with a swallowing disorder. Basically, he was swallowing twice in order to get liquid into his stomach. A portion of the liquid would go into his lungs. After countless ear infections, tests and finally video imaging we found the answers to why he was getting sick so often. We thickened his formula. Made sure he never had anything too thin that would ‘leak’ into his lungs. And we prayed, we asked our friends to pray. All seemed well.
This past Friday I could tell something just wasn’t right with him. I took him to the doctor in the afternoon and heard the news that he indeed had aspirated pnemonia. What this meant was that fluid was still getting into his lungs and it had caused pnemonia. While it isn’t contagious, can I tell you I just wanted to cry. Partly because I felt I just didn’t do enough to help prevent it. Another part of me was discouraged. We were told this might ‘heal on it’s own by the time he was a year old’. Obviously it has not. I left the office (antibiotic in hand) and headed home. I made all the calls to family to give them the update and I tried my best to sound positive.
Truth be told, I am weary from this. I am just to ready to get off this cycle. I know that there are so many children that have problems so much more complex than a swallowing disorder but it still rocks my world occasionally. I get angry, I have questions that never seemed to be answered. I try to tell everyone, even myself that God has a purpose. And while I know that in my head, it is so difficult to convince my heart (and emotions) that it is true. I do a fine balance between trusting in logic, medicine and my actions and trusting in a God who formed Silas in His hands and placed in my womb. It shouldn’t be a complicated web of trust but it is. I heard this song by Casting Crowns called East to West on the radio today. I loved these two lines:
‘Here I am Lord, in your sea of forgetfullness, chains of yesterday surround me and I yearn for peace and rest’
It echos my heart, my mind, my heart. We were told that Silas could have been much worse. We were told that he should have had pnemonia as early as birth. We were told…and yet he didn’t. I truly believe God’s hand was on his little body then and I know it is still. And I still forget that. I forget that He made Silas, crafted his spirit, placed every red little hair on his head. I forget that He gives me the peace I need in every situation…not always a peaceful situation. He gives me strength to handle every medical test and the wisdom to understand the results.
This song humbled me and reminded me that God knows more than I can fathom. I encourage you to click below and listen…maybe even close your eyes and listen. May you find mercy and rest in His arms today.