Broken

Can I just tell you that there are times that I hear a song and I sit in awe of lyrics as I realize that they describe me completely. Sometimes it is describing a present emotion or feeling and at times it is taking me back to days long past. Lifehouse is one of my all time favorite groups. It came as no surprise that I would like their new album. What did take me by surprise was how much this song got into me. The chorus had me in tears the other day. The lyrics say:

I’m falling apart but I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart that’s still beating
In the pain, there’s the healing
In your name, I find meaning
So I’m holding on, I’m holding on, I’m barely holding on to you

I wonder how many times I have come before God feeling like this? The number passes double and triple digits I am sure. I think I once bought into the idea that once you are in Christ, problems, pain and doubts seem to disappear. I have learned how wrong that it is. All those things still exist, it is just that I have a source of comfort that I did not have before.

I love the line I am barely holding on to you. There are times when I feel like I am clinging to God…searching for something. At times I am not sure that I know what I am expecting but just looking for meaning. And you know, those moments can still come when I feel the strongest in my faith. In fact, I think that those moments are just as equal as when I feel weak.

The best part of the song has to be the hope that is weaved through the lyrics. ‘I may have lost my way now, but I have haven’t forgotten my way home’ is pure hope. How many times do I get turned around and think I am lost? Too many I am sure…but I never forget how to get back to Him. Take a listen to the song below. I hope you like it just as much. Be sure to leave your thoughts!

My calendar got a little busy

Did you notice I took a break from blogging? Ok, maybe not but it still happened! There are times in my life when I feel completely organized and able to multi task and then there are weeks that happen where I just take a break from at least one thing in my life. in all honesty, I think those weeks happen 2 or 3 times a year. For me, removing one thing from my plate makes things run just a bit smoother. So what have I been doing while on my break?

* Fall Festival at Isaiah’s school: This entailed me chairing the auction committee as well as arriving a little after 7a on the day of the festival. I arrived home close to 10pm that night
* Joel was sick…the day of the festival…while at my parent’s house. So right now, let me tell you I have great parents (who did not once complain about the sickness), great in-laws (who took Isaiah to the festival) and a FAB-U-LOUS hubby/dad (who kept Joel and Silas at home while I worked at the festival)
* Silas was sick…not the day of the festival. While at small group Sunday night he came down with a fever. The fever climbed to 104 by 11am Monday morning…talk about a mom stressing a little. Thankfully he is doing better now.
* CP Dickson had its first Impact Ministries training…and I felt completely honored to lead that training! I had the opportunity to lead Impact at the the main campus of Crosspoint and it was life changing for me. As I told everyone at the training, Impact is the hands and feet of the church. It is so exciting to see this ministry launch at the Dickson campus. While I will not be leading it I am thrilled to see Sherry step up and lead this great ministry!
* Heath had a birthday…and is now over 3 decades old. I can still say that since I have set to hit the three decade mark. It was pretty uneventful though. We had a sick child so no eating out. I did make his favorite banana cake with buttercream icing.
*Isaiah is now a cub scout. Actually, a tiger scout. It is a new world of den meetings, camp outs and regatta races. I am sure I will be posting many a story about this. His first camp out is in October…while Heath is out of town! Did you see the OUT OF TOWN part? Guess who is taking him? Oh – that is another post for another day!
* Camping in the backyard. This has happened before but with only boys. This time I took part. Camping is not kind to me but I stuck it out…until 1030 that night. At that point my bed was calling so loudly I could not sleep. Why was I out there…learning how to set up a tent of course.

As you can see, life got a little busy during the week but we are calming down. We are quickly approaching our fall break which means we will cram in all the family time we can! Heath is even taking a full week off while the boys are off. Soon book fairs, meetings, birthdays and regatta races will fill up our calendar…and I work better when I haev everything scheduled on it!

WFMW – Going Green in a Busy House

While having lunch with a friend yesterday our conversation wandered from being moms to politics to grocery bills to the idea of ‘going green’. First, let me say it is a wonderful thing to spend time with someone that when you walk away they somehow challenge and encourage you. Those friends are priceless! Slowly, I am finding myself more and more drawn to the idea of ‘living green’. I must admit to you that it is a little daunting. It easy for me to look at someone and use them as a measuring stick for me…and then I just fail. The fact is, I am mom with three boys under three. I run errands and take my children to school and juggle the wife, PTO volunteer, church volunteer and family responsibilities all week long. How on earth can I add ‘live green’ to my list of things to do? I really did operate in that mentality for the last few years. Then my sister sent a book for me to read…I am still reading it and it is changing my mindset (more to come later on that!). However, I still think to myself, I am so busy. The idea of grinding my grain or making my own bread seems overwhelming. Thus, I make the excuse I have no time (please tell me you do it too!). So decided to make some small changes. Small enough that I can manage and keep up with them…and then add to them in the future. Here is my top 5 list of what works for me to ‘live green’.

1. Recycle – we just started with cardboard and paper. The problem for me was that I would let it pile up until I could not lift the box…then I would just add more. Now I work in a trip to recycle each week. This frees up space to add more to the recycle box…cans, bottles or even foam containers. If you have a Publix, look for trashcans that are specific for recycling. If you do not recycle, you will be surprised how little trash you have after recycling!
2. Reusable bags – I posted here about them. I love them. They save me from having a dozen or more plastic bags around the house. I also saw that someone suggested using them for gift bags. At Kroger and Publix these bags only cost $0.99…hard to get a gift bag for that!
3. Plan your trips – this one sounds so simple but as a mom of three it is not that easy. Planning my trips takes effort and time. I plan out my day and errands and write them down. Otherwise, I will miss a store and have to turn around to go back. I try to do all my errands on two days a week (while the younger boys are in preschool). This gives me the time at home on the other days.
4. Cold water wit my laundry – now let me say that when I had an infant, I always used warm water…seemed to get the stains out better. But now, I use cold water. I also use a couple tablespoons of baking soda mixed with my detergent. Believe me, my boys can stain and stink up some clothes around here. The baking soda works wonders! Smells are gone. I always have some spray n wash around if there is a tough stain but otherwise the baking soda works great!
5. Don’t overbuy – this goes for food, clothes or anything else you bring into your house. I am careful to buy what we need (sometimes what we want) and know the shelf life of each item. I will stock up on vegetables or soups or cereals as they last a good while when they are on sale. They last a while and will not ruin in my pantry if they are not consumed in a week’s time. Clothes are the same way. When the boys need clothes I go through all the clothes they do have and then make a list of what is needed. Last spring this saved us a huge amount of money because I found pajamas and shorts for my second son that I did not know we had!

If anything, I am learning it is possible to live a lifestyle that is ‘green’ and not feel overwhelmed. Who knows, one day I might grind my own grain too! It works for me…what works for you?

Tell me your tips!

Tuesday’s Tune – Slow Fade

I heard this song on the radio the other day and instantly fell in love with it. I knew who sang it before the radio DJ ever came on to tell me. Casting Crowns is pretty recognizable to me. The video looks at the life of a family. Yet, as I was listening to the song, a family was not really on my mind. I just thought about myself and others who have gone through the slow fade of life. I am pretty sure it is not as dramatic as the collapsing of a family for most people but the slow fade remains a deep hole for many people. While the slow fade is not necessarily a crumbling family It can be a job that becomes a priority, a sickness that consumes the mind, a hobby that becomes an idol. Slow fades are all around us. The following line replays in my mind often:

Be careful little feet where you go for it’s the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It is a reminder that everything I do, say and live affects my children. What I teach with my words is nothing if my actions betray them. My actions will then be the baseline for my children. I am not a prefect mom, never have claimed to be and never will but I know the weight I carry in my children’s lives is immense. I have no doubt they will see some ’slow fades’ in their lifetime. My prayer, is that if they that in me, they see me come to to grips with a choice, regardless how small. I pray they see in my humility and the ability to admit I messed up and that they see a God who opens his arms with forgiveness, grace and love. More than that, I pray that I can be the parent that opens my arms with forgiveness, grace and love when they go through a slow fade in their life.

I’ve been tagged!

My sister tagged me last week…I needed to come up with 6 random things about myself. And since I would hate to deal with the consequences of not doing this post I love my sister, I decided it best to come up with the random items! Here is the catch, what do you want to know that you already don’t? I have been puzzled for some time now…yet, I did come up with some things…here they are. But first, the rules:

1. Post the rules on your blog
2. Write 6 random things about yourself
3. Tag 6 people at the end of your post
4. If you’re tagged, DO IT and pass on the tag

Did you see the ‘do it’ in all capital letters…I am wondering if that was for me!

1. I am a totally serious person…humor evades me most days. I actually believe that since having kids I am able to laugh more. Growing up I was always the ’serious’ one of my friends and most of the time deemed ‘more responsible or more grown up’ than the rest.
2. I L-O-V-E NY & Company! That store could be my second home…and be the thing that bankrupts me if I am not careful. I always knew I loved the store but I didn’t know it came across to my friends. Not until, one Sunday at church…my friend Laurie mentioned something about my outfit and instead of asking where I bought it, she instead asked if it came from NY & Co.
3. I am nothing if not a creature of habit. Regardless of the coffee house I enter, you will find me ordering a grande mocha. I am the same way at fast food places or restaurants. I never stray from my normal ordering…regardless of how much I look over the menu!
4. This one I figure some of the friends I have now might be surprised to know…I was homeschooled my junior and senior year of high school. And yes, I still send my children to school. The bonus and incentive for me to agree to homeschooling (something my sister was wanting) was that I got a car at 16. What 16 year old can resist that!
5. I am not an ‘outdoor’ girl…which is sad since I have three boys. I went camping with Heath and the oldest two last summer. We drove to Land Between the Lakes and did the back country camping aka no bathroom camping. Land Between the Lakes is about 2 hours from my house. I went to the bathroom before I left home. I made Heath drive me to the welcome center in the park (10 minutes from our site) to use the bathroom that night and did not go again until I got home the following afternoon. I like a toilet that flushes…brushes are not for me!
6. Heath and I had our first double date with my grandparents…and then had one a month (at least) with them until after we had kids! When we were first married, we could not afford to go out to dinner and my grandparents would always take us out. We would spend hours with them at their house. They became some of our closest friends. So much so, that when we came home from our honeymoon we snuck to their house. We came home the day before we told everyone we were coming. No one knew we were back except my grandparents!

Not enough randomness? You should click here for my 100 things post.

Now for tagging:

Christy, Alan, Brandi, Ladybird, Lori & OCDism

Unable to forget

Today I woke up, readied my household and took on the day. Not once did I stop to think about what this day means to many people. I dropped children at school and went to run errands. And then it hits me. I see the sign that says ‘remembering 9/11′. I take a quick look at my phone and it is indeed 9/11. A quietness comes across my mind. A sadness plunges into my heart as I realize how quickly we forget things. And then, I can’t forget. I can’t walk away from that moment and pretend that I am unaffected. Instead, I am drawn to remember that day, remember the victims. I feel tears well up in my eyes and my heart as I think back to 7 years ago. I am unsure how to process it any differently then I did a year ago. There is a portion that is simply grateful to see another year added to the anniversary…the further away the safer I feel. Yet, it has forever changed my life. I parent through the knowledge of this tragedy. My eyes see through the images. It may not be at the forefront of my mind anymore but it is in the back of my mind often. So today, I say a prayer for those who lost a loved one…I am sure grief still creeps up on them often…and today is no different, maybe just harder.

I originally published this last year but I felt it was a good way to end this post.

Remembering 9/11

They say that there are times in your life when something happens, maybe wonderful or maybe tragic, that you will remember all your life. September 11, 2001 was one of those days for me. I don’t remember much about other dates in history but that September morning will be forever etched in my mind. I still remember so vividly my boss calling into the office and told us to turn on the TV. I remember thinking it was crazy because I had plenty of work to do without the TV on. As watched the events unfold on the television, I stood silent. I wavered between anger, fear, relief and confusion. Mostly, I stood in numbness. This would be the first national catastrophe I would experience as an adult. It was defining. I stood motionless for what seemed like hours. I remember that the office was eerily quiet. There were no phones ringing, the sounds of typing had vanished. It was as if time was standing still and yet moving all too fast at the same time. The next few hours were filled with tears as I wept for dads, moms, children and others that were giving their life. I wanted to be there. I wanted to make a difference. I did not have children at that time…in fact it was the month before we would find out we were pregnant. I believe God had placed in me a mother’s heart that day as I grieved for the mom’s who were losing their children…young and old.

The most defining moment for me came not that day, but a couple days later. Heath and I were scheduled to leave on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic at the end of September. We were put in  the position of deciding whether to fly out of the country or stay put. In those first few days after 9/11, there was so much hurt and fear in people. It was a gut wrenching choice for us to make. On one hand, we could stay here. We could keep our feet on US soil where it was familiar and felt safe, even if it was a scary time. Or we could venture to the unknown…to the heart of fear it self. We made the decision to go. We had already been to the Dominican Republic once and we knew God was calling us there again. This trip was originally supposed to happen in January 2001 but was pushed back to September. It was if God was placing the pieces together to allow us to turn completely to Him. All our family made it clear that they were worried or scared or just plain didn’t want us to go…at least not now.

We made the decision to go.  We knew God had planned this trip and it was clear in our hearts He wanted us there. The conversation with my grandmother is forever etched in my memory. She had told me she wanted me to stay here and that there were too many unknown risks. I thought for a moment and responded with this: ‘I suppose there are always risks, I am just more aware of them today. But if I know I am supposed to go, then I have to go. And if something were to happen to me, God knew already’. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to say. The words came out easy but in my heart, I believed it. I knew God knew my future. I knew he wanted me to board that plane. I knew.

Obviously, we returned safely and a couple weeks after we arrived home we had a huge surprise…we were pregnant. I again experienced fear of the unknown but I knew God had plans for me…and now our family. I still struggle with the knowledge that God’s hand is directing me and I strive to hear Him daily. It is in times of remembrance that I ponder how God has allowed me to live my experiences and continue to grow in Him…even being the imperfect person that I am

WFWM – Freezing food

Oh my goodness…I have found a product that I simply can not imagine not having in my kitchen. It goes right next to my silicone basting brush (if I had one – totally on my list!) and my heat resistant spatula/spoon combo! What could it be? It is the Reynolds Handi-Vac. I tend to buy my meat in large portions but I always have trouble keeping freezer burn off of it. Not anymore people! It is great because I can even dice up chicken and place it in the bag. With hunting season quickly approaching you can believe I will be using this tons! There are two different size bags you can get with this to determine the amount of meat that can fit in it. I use the small ones mostly…they hold about a pound and a half of ground beef or 2 chicken breasts cubed.

Best of all, it is relatively inexpensive! I think I paid $10.00 for the actual ‘vac’ and it came with three bags to try and batteries! While it is a little cost out of pocket to begin, it is saving me money by keeping the meat fresher for longer!

Works for me! What works for you? Check out Shannon’s list of participants here!

Tuesday’s Tune – Leave Out All The Rest

I am huge fan of Linkin Park…partly in thanks to my brother! Although I tend to like some of their music he doesn’t. Here is a song of their’s that I love. Here is my favorite portion:

Don’t be afriad, I’ve taken my beating
I’ve shed what I need
I’m strong on the surface, not all the way through
I’ve never been perfect, but neither have you

I think the reason I am drawn to this song is the idea of what will people remember when I am gone. What will my children remember of their mom, my husband of his wife? I am trying to live my life more and more to please God and living a life of compassion and grace.

Yet, it was not always like that…and I always felt compared to others that were better than me. I think we all can admit that there are times in our lives that we are held to a standard we just can’t match. There are times we just don’t have to match it…and it is liberating! I love that I do not have to be perfect.

My secret character

I saw this on facebook today and I could not resist…

Which One Tree Hill Character Are You?

Let me tell you, I am a huge One Tree Hill Fan…I love this show. I especially like it now that they have jumped 4 years and it makes more sense with my life…minus nannies, crazy grandpas and fashion designers! There are only a handful of shows that I make time to watch each week…One Tree Hill is one…Project Runway is the other. In all honesty, I like the ‘me time’ from watching these shows. Heath is not into them and the boys are in bed. It is just time for me to unwind.

Here is my ‘character’:

Haley James Scott

You are very loyal and kind. You love helping others, and know how to make the right choices. You’re responsible, but you still know how to have fun. You’re a trustworthy lover and rarely make misakes.

I actually think I make tons of mistakes but the rest I hope is true. I try to be loyal and kind and I have said before, I hope everyone knows my heart.

Tell me, what shows are you watching these days?

Always a metaphor

I have said before, my mind never stops. It is always making lists, comparing unwritten notes and striving to keep it all organized! The last couple nights our TV has been tuned into the RNC Convention. I must admit to you that I am not all that into politics…most times. However, I am finding myself drawn into them this year. This blog is not political my nature so rarely will you see a post about politics.

Yet, as I was listening to Sarah Palin speak the other night, my mind raced. I ran and grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down notes while she was speaking. There were three things that stood out in her speech for me…and none had to do with how she governs, what she has accomplished or what her opponents believe. In fact, her comments that resontated with me really had nothing to do with politics at all.

“Special needs chlidren inspire a special love”

I firmly believe that statement but it got me thinking a little deeper. As always, there seems to be a metaphor to Christianity in life lately. It caused me to think about the children at the boy’s schools. They seem quite normal on the outside. What about the inside? There are some broken, hurting, hungry children there. What do I do? I am ashamed to tell you nothing. I drop my son off at the door, give him a hug and kiss and then he walks into a world of broken people. It causes me to think about what kind of light he can be, will be and should be. It makes me stop and wonder if I am equipping him to lead others by example or providing a way to simply exist among his friends. There are children all around…not just in a third world country, who need our support. We might be the only ones to say ‘good job’ or ‘you matter’ to them. The lost should inspire a special love in my heart.

“govern with good will, clear convictions and a servant’s heart”

In truth, this is my favorite statement from her entire speech. This is practical on so many levels…not just government. I am so blessed to serve first in a church that gets this. I see Pete, Jenni, Pat, Chad and Eve list this out weekly. Others matter to God and to them and they make sure that all decisions that they make are done to serve Christ and serve others. I am also blessed to be married to a man that believes the same. Heath is clear with his directions, he is consistent with the boys. Most of all, he does what he does to serve them. When I say serve I do not mean that they are his master. However, he serves them by giving them respect, encouraging them to keep trying when things seem impossible. He serves them by looking out for their best interest and remaining firm on ground rules. They will learn how to lead their families by his example. This is also the type of leader I aspire to be. At the end of my life I hope my heart, my servant’s heart, is remembered. I want my life to be about others: my family, my friends, my world.

“It is a long way from a 4′ x 6′ cell to the oval office’

I get to experience this one day. No worries, I am not planning to run for office of any kind…I think! (I have learned not to box God in). Really, as Christians, this is the path we get to follow. We once lived in darkness. While we are free now, it is simply earthly freedom. Can you imagine the day when we are sitting in our Father’s room…simply absorbing His presence? Can you think about the day when pain, fear and hurt are forgotten and replaced by joy and peace…permanently? It is hard road to follow some days. Some days you are walking by fields of flowers and the wind, clouds and sun are perfectly in harmony. Then there are days when the rains will pelt you and the sun will burn you. The wind will whip around you as if to say you have no place in this world. Those days will be gone soon enough and replaced by the stillness of a God who loves us enough to take us from the pit of sin and into the his room of forgiveness!