A good God?

Today was…..hard. It is really the only way I know how to describe it. Pete was at CP Dickson speaking about the future of our church. If you want to read more click here. Honestly, the future stuff wasn’t what was so hard for me. Here is the quote (well paraphrased because for the life of me I can not remember the exact words!) that has been haunting my thoughts all day:

“How can someone believe that God sent His Son to die on a cross for their sins if they first do not believe that there is a good God?”

It was a gut wrenching question for me. If you are starving, can you believe that there is a God to meet your needs? If you are sick and dying, can believe that there is a God who heals and mends the broken? As it happens often, I miss the rest of the service because I am stuck on one comment (thank goodness for CDs!). How can a child who grows up abused and lonely believe that there is a God that is full of grace and mercy?

I sat in my chair a bit bewildered. I almost sat there feeling defeated. How many times did I miss the chance to show Christ’s love and compassion, His grace and mercy. Oh, I am sure I have done fine with other people in the church. I mean, it is easy, isn’t it? It is comfortable to take a meal to a friend, send a card to someone you care about or help out someone that is hurt. But what about the people that have no clue that God is love? It is easy to step back and claim that these people exist in Africa or a country we don’t even know the name of and pretend that these people are not in our backyard. I truly believe that there are people in my community that are desperate to know that God cares about them and that there is a community of believers that is willing to show them that they matter to God.

For years I was very ‘missions minded’. Really I would say I was pretty closed minded. I believed that the only way to make a difference was to travel internationally. I remember someone telling me that sometimes we fly over the mission field to get to another one. I did not understand that comment then but today it came back to me anew. My heart is still drawn to places like the DR, but I am beginning to understand the impact that I can have in this community for Christ.

What that impact looks like I have no idea! I am a bit nervous about it and yet I can not contain my excitement as I start to seek God and learn what this new path will look like!

What about you…do you feel like God is giving you a ‘mission field’ of your own?

Silas and Sawyer

Last week our friends Alan and Carrie welcomed their little boy, Sawyer, into the world. You should click here and here to read his story! We had the chance to go visit for a few minutes while they were in the hospital. I hesitated to take the boys but realized that if we did not take them, we might not see Sawyer for another week or two. As I was talking to Alan I told him that we would have the boys and we would take turns in the room and keep the boys out. It should not have surprised me that he told me to bring those boys in the room. Just another reason we love them so much! One of my favorite moments was caught on film. Here is Silas holding Sawyer. Not only did he hold him once, but twice. He kept asking for more! I can see that these two guys are going to be great buddies!

WFMW – Grocery Bag

Thanks to my sis, I have been really thinking more about a ‘green’ lifestyle. Actually, I would call it more of a simple lifestyle. One of my favorite things of late is this:

I love the reusable bags…I actually only have one from Publix and several from Kroger. Kroger even gives you a 4 cent refund if you bring your own bag (any bag, not just theirs). Really, I could care less about the refund. I just like coming home with no extra trash of plastic bags. But really, these are not just great for the groceries. These are great for any time. I have used them to take things to the ball park, carry Frisbees and balls to the land or take along things in the van on a trip. At $0.99 they are a real bargain!

What works for you?

Tuesday’s Tune – Addison Road

Addison Road’s What Do I Know Of Holy is truly one of my favorite songs lately. In fact, Addison Road is quickly becoming one of my favorite Christian bands.

The reason I fell in love with this song is that it really felt like she was singing the quietest thoughts of my heart. I have been in church for as long as I can remember. I knew the hymns without ever opening a hymnal. I could recite the sinners prayer without much thought. I knew the creeds that we had to memorize. It was all very mechanical for me. I bounced back and forth for a few years between this desire to know God and the desire to be more like the world. For a period of time, God was something that was shallow and empty in my life. I can’t tell you the date that everything started to change but there was a change happening my heart and I began to learn about a relationship with Christ…no checklist required. I still have moments where I wonder who God is…he is deeper than I can imagine. I think I am at a place in life where I just desire to know him more. Some days I think I dive into Him, while others I sit along the shore. Yet, I simply love the mystery of Him.

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it’s name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

Banquets and Blogging

Last night was a blast! It was the annual Volunteer Appreciation at Crosspoint! Heath and I have had the opportunity to attend this event for the last 5 years. It has been incredible to see how God continues to grow not just Crosspoint but to see how people are growing in Christ through serving! I can’t wait to get some of the videos and post them…they are great!

I think what I love the most about this night is that the staff go all out to make sure all the volunteers feel important. I have seen firsthand how volunteers help Crosspoint be the church it is…and it is so fun to see the night celebrate their serving.

I honestly thought it would be hard to walk into that banquet. It was the first time I was able to see several of my main campus friends. It was a little bittersweet but it was much fun to see everyone. I think I stayed on my feet talking most of the time! I thought through my evening and realized how much I love my church family.

I love seeing the staff from the main campus…I miss seeing Pete and Jenni on a regular basis so it was good to see them in person for a minute.

I loved catching up with Brandi…she and I have been through two pregnancies together…which should define any relationship. I just love talking to her and hearing about life…she is a mom of three boys too and it is always great to know I am not by myself!

Some of the first people I saw were Debi and Jeff and Kay. Jeff actually video taped my wedding! They are all precious people!

One of the people I was looking forward to seeing most was Jen…we do not see each near enough but she is a life long friend for sure. She makes me laugh often and gets me to not be so serious!

Oh – and this guy’s wife…love her! When I saw her I think we hugged for at least 10 seconds…that entire family is precious and I am better for knowing them!

The only couple missing was Alan and Carrie…but they have an excuse. Check his blog this week for their story on their new little boy!

It seems like everyone is blogging now…just another way to keep up with everyone from the main campus! Maybe next year I will blog the event live…who knows! Can’t wait until next year, Crosspoint staff really blows me away each time!

Respect in the midst of triumph

I had the chance to watch Michael Phelps when his 8th gold medal the other night. I really had not watched too much of him before that. However, I wanted to tell the boys (one day) that I saw history made. Yet, his gold medal was not the highlight of his win. This was:

This was right after the medal ceremony. He and his team mates are taking their victory walk, posing for pictures along the way. And then, he breaks from his group and goes right into the photographers…just to kiss his mom and sisters.

I am sure there were some people who thought this was a little crazy but it made my heart melt. You could tell while watching him swim that his mom was probably one of his biggest fans. He could have walked on around the track and simply waved. But instead, he gave her a dose of respect that would not have come any other way.

It got me thinking about my boys. Am I really their biggest fan? In their moment of glory what will they do? While I don’t expect them to share it with me I hope they know that I will be there in the stands, in the audience or where ever they are cheering the loudest for them!

Tuesday’s Tune – No More Drama

This week’s song is No More Drama by Mary J. Blige. Yes, we went from Third Day last week to Mary J. Blige this week. I told you my music is quite varied!

Anytime I hear this song, I fall in love with it more. It captured me from the piano intro and keeps me tuned in as the bridge builds with the choir feel. The video is from her Grammy performance. I fell in love with this song at a time when I could truly identify with the words of it. I was learning to let go of a lot of things in the past and this song helped me get through some it. If you know me personally, you have probably heard me say ‘I don’t like drama’ or the famous ‘we are not in high school anymore’. It is true. I get tired of fears and tears. I had too many years that silent tears occupied my eyes. I get tired of the petty drama that occupies my life at times. I remember seeing her sing this on TV and crying the entire time she sang. Here are the lines I like best:

No more drama (I’m tired of all this drama)
No more drama (go ahead, go ahead, you demons getting out of my face)
No more drama (go get a my life, I’m about to lose my mind)
No more drama (Lord help me, help me sing)

I have been there…well, maybe not in front of thousands of people but in the presence of God and some friends. My Dad has seen first hand and heard the screams through the phone as I dealt with drama. I have literally had to scream with God until I lost my voice. Hear me, I was not angry at Him, I was angry with the way life was happening. Life was falling apart all around me, people were sick and dying, my mom was battling cancer again, children were starving, friends were sleeping around. I was here, in the middle of it all and stuck. The drama was consuming me…until I finally cried out to Him. Stuff is still happening, yet I deal with it differently. Crying out to God was what He needed from me. He needed me to get to the place where I knew that He was the only way to filter all the drama. I still get weary from it but this time, He is there with me.

No More Drama – Mary J. Blige

(talkin’)
So tired
Tired of all this drama
You go your way
I go my way (no more, no more)
I need to be free

(singin’)
Broken heart again
Another lesson learned
Better know your friends
Or else you will get burned
Gotta count on me
Cuz I can guarantee that I’ll be fine

No more pain (no more pain)
No more pain (no more pain)
No drama (no more drama in my life, no ones gonna make me hurt again)
No more in my life

Why’d I play the fool
Go through ups and downs
Knowing all the time
You wouldn’t be around
Or maybe I liked the stress
Cuz I was young and restless
But that was long ago
I don’t wanna cry no more

No more pain (no more pain x2 )
No more game (no more games messing with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life, no ones gonna make me hurt again, no more)
No more in my life

No more tears (no more tears, I’m tired of crying every night)
No more fears (no more fears I really don’t wanna cry)
No drama (no more drama in my life I don’t ever wanna hurt again)
No more in my life
Wanna speak ma mind wanna speak ma mind

Hooh it feels so good
When you let go
Of all the drama in your life
Now you’re free from all the pain (free from all the pain)
Free from all the games (free from all the games)
Free from all the stress (free from all the stress)
So find your happiness

I don’t know
Only god knows where the story ends for me
But I know where the story begins
It’s up to us to choose
Whether we win or lose
And I choose to win

No more pain (no more pain, no more pain, tired of crying)
No more game (tired of your planning games with my mind)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
No more in my life (no more x6)

So tired (I’m so tired)
Tired of all this drama

Recapping the weekend

Our weekend felt so much like a whirlwind and yet it was wonderful! Heath had to work this weekend which meant long hours of me and the boys. Here are the highlights

* The phone ringing at 645am on Saturday morning and hearing my father in law’s voice. He had gone by the local bakery and was bringing the boys donut holes and me some chocolate iced donuts. We LOVE this bakery and it is always a treat when Pappy brings us this.
* Visit with Heath’s parents. They offered to let us come swim, which really meant the boys and Mumsey! They also watched the boys while I went to a baby shower. Add to that dinner, dessert and bath time. They are wonderful in laws…could not ask for any better!
*Robin’s baby shower! She is having a little girl and it was so fun to celebrate with her. It was great to just see some old friends, too.
*Heath still had some work to do Sunday so the boys and I headed to church for both services. They were great! I was a little worried how they would fare staying for both services but they had fun.
* Date night in with Heath. Heath and I decided to feed the boys and put them to bed before we ate. After they were in bed, I ran out and got us some food and then we watched the Notebook. There will be more on that movie this week but for being a chick flick it is one of my favorites now.

Now we are back to the grind of life! This week is filled with meetings, school and more but it is sure to be fun!

What did you do this weekend?

Friendships…friend or foe?

I have been thinking a lot about friendships lately. I must tell you that I am a pretty private person. I tend to keep all my thoughts and feelings bottled up and rarely let anyone peek in on them. Part of it is trust. It is super hard for me to begin to trust people with my day to day life. I find I can tell people about my past, things I have learned or experienced but you will rarely hear me utter words about what weighs on me most that day. To me, friendships can be volatile. Any misstep and you are back at square one with most people. Recently something came up that has me reevaluating what I want and need in friends. Here is my list:

I need a friend who is with me in the good and bad.
I need a friend who will not judge me when I talk whether it be about something I struggle with or about something trivial like brownies!
I need a friend who is trustworthy. Gossip is not cool with me.
I need a friend who trusts me enough to come to me if I have hurt them rather than talk about it with other people.

I do not need someone who checks out on a friendship when things are rough.
I do not need someone who will breathe down my neck about how I messed things up.
I do not need someone who can’t keep confidences.
I do not need someone who talks about me to others while I am not there.

Heath and I were talking about this last night (again!). Sometimes I am that person that I do not need…yikes! I try desperately not to be but there are times I slip…I am far from perfect! I completely check out on friendships when I have been hurt. I basically just drop them. It is horrible to say that but it is true. Ask Christy, my best friend growing up, and she will attest to many times I just did not talk to her when I was upset. Thankfully, she stuck around! I fall head first into gossip at times…I am trying my best to keep myself in check but it still happens!

I have shared a lot of the feelings I have had about coming to the Dickson campus. I love it here! There are phenomenal people that I have met. One of the things that scared me most was about friendships…well, authentic friendships. I really struggled with the idea of forming new friends with everyone. Again, I am talking about authentic, you are in a crisis and need to talk to someone, friendships. It is easy to go into church on a Sunday, smile and even laugh with people, walk out the doors and know that you would not call them in a crisis. I had decided I was pretty content with that type of friendship at the new campus.

Of course, then God turns my world upside down and brings in some women that are amazing! I don’t think I would still be there with out them. Yet, this has caused me to wonder if I am the only person that has high standards for friends. Are these standards too high?

What do you do when you feel friends are not what you need?

Thinking again…

Heath and I rented ‘The Bucket List’ on Monday night (yes, it takes us a while to find time to watch a movie!). I laughed out loud and found tears streaming down my face. It caused me to think about somethings in my life and life in general. Here is a portion of my list.

* How do I treat those around me? I loved the relationship between Edward and Thomas. It is by far a non traditional relationship. What I loved was the sheer acceptance they had for one another. By the middle of the movie I simply could not understand why Thomas stuck around. By the end, I knew…it was love and acceptance of a friend. Neither of them was perfect and they both knew it. I loved how Thomas kept his word by climbing the Himalayas at the end.

*I thought it was beautiful as Edward crossed off ‘kiss the most beautiful woman’ after he met his granddaughter for the first time and kissed her cheek. Beauty is not about being a size zero, being tan or fit. Beauty is in the moment, in the heart. Beauty is in the connection. Imagine life without others. It is desolate, lonely. There is beauty in the connection of others.

*There is a defining moment in the movie where Carter tries to get Edward to reconnect with his daughter again. Edward says ‘just because I tell you my story does not invite you to be part of it’. Edward leaves and Carter goes home, grateful for what he has. I have thought about this sentence much. How many times do I say this (maybe not aloud) but say it in my mind or heart. Sometimes it hurts to have someone push back against you and force you to look at life from their eyes. And yet, we need those people in our lives. People that aren’t afraid to get dirty with our baggage. People that are willing to tackle us as we try to run away. Carter does this with his letter.

* One of my favorite lines was ‘We live to die another day’. It was said with such enthusiasm and joy. These guys recognized the importance of one day…today was not the end. Another might just be, but not today. How many times to I think, I can do that another day? The fact is, that day might be the end, but not today.

*Final thought, I think way too much and too hard…something Heath would adamantly agree with! There are nights I can not sleep because I can’t stop thinking! I am so much like Carter. I want to see something majestic, help another person, etc. Heath is a lot like Edward, go skydiving. I began to appreciate that adventure filled side of Heath…he is such a joy and I know that even in my last months he will be using that adventure to bring out a new life in me!

Have you seen The Bucket List? What did you think of it?